Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Olympics and Trials

I've joined the Ravelry Olympic team. I'll be knitting Eloping from this summer's Knitty. It's not a big project, but with the wedding so close, it's all I can handle. I'm hoping to earn my first gold knitting medal.

I've been working on handling stress quite a bit lately. I've been interviewing friends and family when it's appropriate about how they deal with stress. Do they deep breathe? Do the eat ice cream? Do they drink? Do they go for a run? Do they punch the stressor in the nose? Do they scream into a pillow, do they get tough, or do they fold like a house of cards?

I'm so interested in stress right now because I'm under an ass-load of it. You'd think the details of the wedding would be stressing me out - but they really aren't. I can handle those details in my sleep - I literally do it for a living. But the stress of disappointing anyone with any request they make of me in relation to this wedding is killing me. I find myself trapped between the viewpoints of some of the people who I love the most.

It's funny, because as I waffle and try and avoid conflict I can feel my loved one's disappointment in what they perceive as my weakness, but the truth of the matter is that I've been so strong - going against the popular wishes of many of my friend's and family and society in so many decisions that I've made in the last ten years. I've literally made something of myself - by myself. I've taken the risks, I've done the work, I've put myself on the line to build a life. And now I'm plain worn out. I'm tired of fighting and now I just want everyone to be happy. I want to be a pacifist. I want - oh god, am I really going to say this - I want everyone to get along! Can't we all just get along? Seriously? I just want to do the right thing. I want, I want, I want...I want to disappear! I want to be invisible!

Here's the thing - I think I've fallen into a habit of being too self aware. I'm so quick to find blame in any situation and assign it squarely to myself. I'm willing to take the blame for anything - any gripe, any slight, any mis-understood comment. I'm your gal. I'm the bad guy, I'm the bitch and nothing you can do or say to me will be worse than what I'll do or say to myself at 3 AM. Don't worry, I'll remember for years and years. Even if you weren't hurt by it, or you were a normal person and were able to let it go - I'll feel badly about it for years. Carefree, doesn't apply here.

So, in the spirit of trying to make something of myself, I've got to pony up and forgive myself for things I think I've done. Tonight, I pledge to sleep well, to not rake myself over the coals for making decisions that I believe are right. I am not a jerk. I am not a recovering jerk (thanks, Randy) and I am a good person with a kind heart. And I seriously say "I'm sorry" too much. Shut it off so tomorrow doesn't ruin today (thanks again, Randy).
"God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Ok, a happy post will replace this one tomorrow, promise. But sometimes, you just have to get it all out there.


Anonymous said...

My Goodness...Kris, if only you could love yourself as much as I do...you'd have no problems. You are just a loving gal with a big heart...and sometimes that leaves you wide open for a lot of upset. Hang in there..email me soon.

Darren said...

The first thing to do is to look back on your life, how you've lived it and why you've made the decisions you've made. I'm pretty sure that you'll see that you have a lifetime of making the best decisions possible with the information available. You are the type of person who considers other peoples feelings to a fault (probably often OVER your own feelings).

Based on that, you can be sure that you're using the same, CORRECT, process in making all your wedding decisions. Sure, any and every decision is going to make someone feel left out or slighted -- but remember, because you are at the center of the decision, YOU are the one who has ALL the facts and information. YOU are the one procession that and considering EVERYONE. The person who feels slighted is most likely only considering him or her self (not in a selfish way necessarily, just in a "I don't know what every other person has said on this subject" kind of way).

Second, and more importantly, your wedding has to make exactly TWO people happy. You and C. It is honestly one of the few times in life when you are allowed (nay, expected) to be at least a little bit selfish.

If you let the opinions, feelings and meddling of other people ruin your happiness on one of the days that should be among the top five happiest days of your life (unless you have more than 4 kids - then it'll get bumped into the top ten... somewhere in the top 20 for Michelle Duggar... or perhaps now she considers her wedding day one of the worst days of her life based on the path its led her down!)... then you will have failed at wedding.

I know you. Without even knowing any specific details of where your stress is coming from, I can tell you with absolute certainty that you are making the RIGHT choices. You ARE considering all the appropriate people and their feelings. You are making WISE and LOVING decisions whether they see it now or not.

Third, and finally, regardless of how they feel now, everyone will have a good time at your wedding. All of the pre-wedding crap will disappear and everyone will have a fabulous time watching you enjoy your big day and begin a blissful new life as a married girl.

Anyone who appears to not be enjoying him or herself or seems to still be stewing about perceived slights is off the Christmas card list.