I've joined the Ravelry Olympic team. I'll be knitting Eloping from this summer's Knitty. It's not a big project, but with the wedding so close, it's all I can handle. I'm hoping to earn my first gold knitting medal.
I've been working on handling stress quite a bit lately. I've been interviewing friends and family when it's appropriate about how they deal with stress. Do they deep breathe? Do the eat ice cream? Do they drink? Do they go for a run? Do they punch the stressor in the nose? Do they scream into a pillow, do they get tough, or do they fold like a house of cards?
I'm so interested in stress right now because I'm under an ass-load of it. You'd think the details of the wedding would be stressing me out - but they really aren't. I can handle those details in my sleep - I literally do it for a living. But the stress of disappointing anyone with any request they make of me in relation to this wedding is killing me. I find myself trapped between the viewpoints of some of the people who I love the most.
It's funny, because as I waffle and try and avoid conflict I can feel my loved one's disappointment in what they perceive as my weakness, but the truth of the matter is that I've been so strong - going against the popular wishes of many of my friend's and family and society in so many decisions that I've made in the last ten years. I've literally made something of myself - by myself. I've taken the risks, I've done the work, I've put myself on the line to build a life. And now I'm plain worn out. I'm tired of fighting and now I just want everyone to be happy. I want to be a pacifist. I want - oh god, am I really going to say this - I want everyone to get along! Can't we all just get along? Seriously? I just want to do the right thing. I want, I want, I want...I want to disappear! I want to be invisible!
Here's the thing - I think I've fallen into a habit of being too self aware. I'm so quick to find blame in any situation and assign it squarely to myself. I'm willing to take the blame for anything - any gripe, any slight, any mis-understood comment. I'm your gal. I'm the bad guy, I'm the bitch and nothing you can do or say to me will be worse than what I'll do or say to myself at 3 AM. Don't worry, I'll remember for years and years. Even if you weren't hurt by it, or you were a normal person and were able to let it go - I'll feel badly about it for years. Carefree, doesn't apply here.
So, in the spirit of trying to make something of myself, I've got to pony up and forgive myself for things I think I've done. Tonight, I pledge to sleep well, to not rake myself over the coals for making decisions that I believe are right. I am not a jerk. I am not a recovering jerk (thanks, Randy) and I am a good person with a kind heart. And I seriously say "I'm sorry" too much. Shut it off so tomorrow doesn't ruin today (thanks again, Randy).
"God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, the courage to change the things we can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
Ok, a happy post will replace this one tomorrow, promise. But sometimes, you just have to get it all out there.